Driving Envy

Most of you may not know that I have spent a fair amount of time on the east coast. So, in brief, here is my philosophy on driving fast in two different states. In California everyone drives in the left lane, probably because in California they call the left lane “the fast lane” and the typical California male feels that their penis will actually increase in size if they drive exclusively in the fast lane. Of course, for the same reason, they feel that their size exponentially decreases for every car that passes them on the right and then sneaks into the space in front of them. What takes place is all out penis warfare in the left two lanes, with cars speeding and slowing and speeding and cutting each other off merely so no car can pass and thus, in effect, emasculate the male in the left lane. Therefore, whenever you see any signs of a possible back up on a highway of three lanes or more go immediately to the right lane. It’s entirely possible to go very fast in the right lane for several miles while the two left lanes are at a complete standstill. All you need to watch out for are the right lane entrance-ramp merges and the subsequent jerks who won’t let you or anyone else merge. Also, the California female driver is completely unpredictable, and becomes the wild card at all times. Fortunately, females in general don’t have their egos wrapped into their driving skills, which I suppose must ultimately stem from having a penis.

Now, in New Jersey, which includes the entire tri-state area of New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Connecticut and Delaware, things are a great deal more cut and dry. Never, ever, and I mean NEVER, use your blinker. The original idea behind the blinker is to let everyone know where you would like to go, but in New Jersey you don’t want anyone to know where you’re going because if they know, they won’t let you do it. The best course of action is to just throw the front end of your car in the direction you need to go, and go there with determination. Tri-staters can tell the rookies - the ones who know the rule but are too chicken to actually go through with it - and they eat them alive. What you need to do is just go. If you need to get three lanes over in the span of a quarter mile, just go. If you are trying to get out of the mall parking lot and onto Rt. 17, just go. If you’re in the exact change booth and all you have are dollar bills, just go (but you’re supposed to honk your horn). If anyone has a problem with what you’re doing, give him the finger because the thing that sets New Jersey apart from California is that they don’t shoot at you for giving the finger in New Jersey. It’s expected. It’s an accepted form of state vocabulary. It's actually a form of camaraderie - a term of endearment.

The only problem with this entire theory is that everyone in California is originally from New Jersey.